McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
pep talk
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.