Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.