Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
6: are snakes just neck?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”