The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Thoughts
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.