FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.