Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!