There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.