Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge