Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!