“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
getting old is fun
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.