Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
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can I use a minion as a tampon
Cow it started Cow it’s going
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
@funTweeters
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.