interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat