*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”