So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*ernest hemingway voice*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I think they could have phrased this better
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.