10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
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1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
sugar glider wrangler
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh