If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
So the ex texted me
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000