[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view