My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again