I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant