Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall