I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My wife gives the best headache.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.