11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
You Might Also Like
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.