[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
shampoo implies shampee