You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”