Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“That’s what” – She
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING