if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
You Might Also Like
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Don’t talk down to me
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink