My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.