I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password