Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine