I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I love art.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does