Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
$3 #books
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich