Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I hate when that happens.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???