america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
i wish i could marry a nap
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Hamburger Hinderer.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.