TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I have never related to anyone more.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.