They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Leaving the Barbers like
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.