Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon