My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
So glad we cleared that up
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!