Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Happy weekend !
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
asking santa clause for nudes
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…