*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.