Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.