My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Trying
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt