ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30