Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
She: I like Cats
He:
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Thinking about Jeff
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I finally found a reason to live again.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?