Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…