An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!