Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe