[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning