Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Not even remotely sorry.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.