BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.