3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
How to wake up a Beagle
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
She puts the hot in psychotic